Los Angeles, summer 2024. The heatwave melted asphalt into tar pits, and Jimmy "Jetlag" Malone was sweating through his third failed band tee. He found it at a Venice Beach pawn shop that reeked of sunscreen and regret. The tee hung between a cursed ouija board and a DVD of *Sharknado 7*, black as a oil spill, the cursive *Tonzobeast* logo glowing like a nicotine stain.  
*“Twenty bucks,”* croaked the shop owner, a meth-fueled mummy with *EST. 2024* tattooed on his eyelids. *“Comes with free life advice: don’t.”*  
Jimmy bought it.  
First gig wearing it, his garage band’s demo went viral. Second gig, a record exec offered a deal scribbled on a Denny’s napkin. Third gig, Jimmy woke up in a Malibu mansion with a Grammy made of human teeth.  
Don Tonzo arrived at the afterparty.  
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**THE DEVIL IN A SNAPBACK**  
He materialized by the infinity pool, sipping a margarita blended with brake fluid and orphan tears. *“Cute hustle,”* he said, flicking the *EST. 2024* tag. *“But royalties are due.”*  
Jimmy laughed. *“I’m the talent.”*  
Tonzo smirked. The tee tightened. Jimmy’s hit single began playing backwards. Guests vomited Sanskrit.  
*“Talent’s a side effect,”* Tonzo said. *“This tee? It’s a receipt.”*  
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**THE FINE PRINT**  
The mansion collapsed into a Taco Bell parking lot. The tee stayed pristine. Jimmy’s bandmates? Reduced to sentient ringtones.  
Tonzo tossed him a flip phone from 2004. *“Call when you’re ready to renegotiate.”*  
Jimmy wore the tee to court. The judge dropped dead of a heart attack. He wore it to his ex’s wedding. The bride joined a cult.  
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**THE SHOWDOWN**  
They met at the Santa Monica Pier at dawn. Tonzo rode a Ferris wheel cart made of burning credit reports. *“Final offer,”* he said. *“Keep the tee, lose your soul. Or…”*  
He gestured to the Pacific. A tsunami of IRS agents crested the horizon.  
The tee whispered: *“YES.”*  
Jimmy jumped.  
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**EPILOGUE**  
They found the tee washed up in Marina del Rey. The *EST. 2024* now read *EST. YOUR DEATH*.  
Don Tonzo? He’s headlining Coachella.