Portland, 2025. The last Starbucks became a shrine for offended oat milk. Protesters sobbed into gender-neutral pronouns. Then the tee appeared – black as a Twitter shadowban, the “FUCKTOSE INTOLERANT” text glowing like a middle finger forged in Chernobyl. Don Tonzo sold it from a food truck labeled *“FREE THERAPY (JUST KIDDING).”*

A barista wearing “They/Them” nipple tassels approached. “This shirt is problematic—”

Tonzo grinned. “Problem’s my brand, snowflake.” He flicked the tee’s collar. The barista’s hair turned into a Confederate flag. The crowd screamed. Tonzo sipped a latte made of antifreeze and orphan tears.

 

THE FORGE

Tonzo crafted the tee during the Great Wokepocalypse of 2023. Ingredients included:

• The ashes of a canceled blue checkmark
• AI-generated tears from a diversity workshop bot
• A Merriam-Webster editor’s snapped sanity

“/fuhk-tohs in-to-luh-runt/,” he recited, sewing the definition into the fabric. “Means *‘I’ll eat your feelings with Sriracha.’”*

 

MODERN DAY

You buy it at a gas station that only accepts cash and contempt. First wear: your therapist’s diploma combusts. Second wear: your Instagram bio rewrites itself to *“Professional Reality Enjoyer.”* Third wear:

Don Tonzo crashes your gender reveal party (you didn’t have one). “Cute safe space,” he says, torching a rainbow flag with a cigar dipped in kerosene. “This tee? It’s a cultural enema.”

 

THE RECKONING

The tee levitates during a city council meeting. The phonetic guide (/fuhk-tohs/) becomes a sonic weapon. Karens burst into flames. Pronouns achieve gender-neutral nirvana (they stop existing).

Tonzo watches from a burning Prius, eating kale chips made of asbestos. “Final offer,” he says. “Wear it, or become NPR’s next diversity consultant.”

The tee whispers: “TRIGGERED.”